Today, yesterday and a long time ago

I was born in 1955. The doctor told my mother that there was so much activity that she was going to have twins. She didn't. I popped out and so began my journey. I don't remember much about the early years. I remember things like being locked in a car in South Carolina. I apparently found a screw drive and disassembled the dash of the car. I rode mule that I saw many years later. They live a long time. I grew up in a strictly religous home. It was so bad that I was forced to go to my room and ask god if it was alright to go to a basketball game. I'm really not complaining...I know others had life a lot worse...but this is about my life. Looking back I remember not wanting to livc at a very young age. I seemed not to be able to make friends. I mean I was tolerated but was always the last one picked for anything. I was intelligent but did not seem to function like others. My neighbor's mother was sexually loose and I was introduced to pornography at around six years old. I was sexually abused and became an abuser myself. The abuse to me and me to others continued until about 15 years of age. I was ashamed of myself and my behavior. I have lived with that shame ever since. I know that intellectuall I was a victim.....and only repeated the behavior of those that I associated with. It was not uncommon for me to sodomized and somehow knew that it was wrong but was not emotionally able or understand why. It was not a fun childhood and this is giving me an outlet to let go of my shame. Let me reiterate that I no longer molest....but the shame that i did breaks my heart. I cry when I think about it. I wished that I had not been born. I lived in hell for most of my life. Married divorced married divorced married divorced. Used illegal drugs weven when i did not aprove of them...I could not put it all together. My IQ is and was in the range of 140 and 150. I just couldn't hold my life together. In my mid thirties I was diagnosed with Bipolar iness and started taking Lithium..I know I skipped a lot of time, but most of it I try not to remember. I kept on searching for the answer. My life was insane and I still was suicidal. I did not want to live and I did not want to die. My experience with psychiatrist was less than pleasant. I almost gave up until I met my current psychatrist. I can't say he made me better...I give myself credit for not giving up. So many members of my family committed suicide and I did not want to be one of them. My father committed suicide in 2004. I was in the next room when he shot himself in the heart. I spent the last 5 minutes of my fahters life watching him die. He came into my room the night before and said goodbye in his on way. I didn't get it. I didn't catch on to what he was about to do. I am 51 and now have about two good years behind me. beyond that is much carnage...my past is a virtual trainwreck. I can't fix it. The medicine Lamictal made me whole but I still had the behaviors that kept me alive....These were not good. The drug use, the pornography, the prostitues anything that would make me forget the mental anguish that I lived in. My wife who I love dearly is about to leave me...just when I fanally feel like I can be a good partner. I still am working on my behaviors that I do not like....That has been my biggest challenge. I look forward now...but until my marriage is resolved either in or out I seem to be stuck..I can leave easy enough but somehow I don't think that is the right thing. I work hard on a daily basis to do the right thing. Sometimes the right thing has it's own consequences..My wife and I have been working on it for a couple of years now. Life is better but not there yet. I have overcome most of my demons but still working on my physical condition and spirituality. I have no children. I love kids but for some reason I knew that I could not be a good father....I was right. Now I feel that I could be that person, I just feel I am a little old to start now. I don' t look at what I write and do not go back and see if it makes sense. My life has been so senseless that it really doesn't matter now. I just recently read the book "the Little Prince" and the book "Tuesday with Morrie" These two books have had a powerful impact on my life. I felt free at last from the burden of my past. It is still there and still causes me problems with the other people in my life that I have hurt in the past. The onw thing that we all have in common is that we are all going to die. "Tuesdays with Morrie" taught me that "to learn how to live you have to learn how to die" I am closing for now ..I think I will write more often...It is a way for me to get the poison from my soul...